[i never got to know you as well as i should have, and i apologize wholeheartedly for that. i thought i had you all figured out so i never took the time to know any better. i now understand that i should have tried harder, because people will say anything to destroy you. i know i’m six months and two mistakes too late, but i’d love to love you. i’d love to be the one who stays up every night with you, rather than the one who keeps you up at night. you are a special kind of beautiful i never knew how to describe until now; you are a collision between wrong and right, a cataclysm of too much pain over too little time, and the product of war. you are everything i stand against and it makes me a better person. i apologize for understanding my feelings for you a year too late, and not a broken heart sooner.]
everything is the same, but i’ve never felt more different. i understand full well that, in fact, i feel different because nothing is the same, and i couldn’t be anymore unchanged.
your absence from my life is draining the marrow from my bones. you are unmoved by it, and it is for that reason that i give you your space. i wonder if you sometimes think of me on a profusely normal day when for a split second you thought you saw me out of the corner of your eye. i still get stomach aches when i see you unexpectedly; my internal GPS. your face, however, is no longer the screensaver of my mind. i know that enough time has gone by to sufficiently change you from the person i loved to the person i’ll forget.
i haven’t fallen off the face of the earth, though sometimes i wish i had. at this point, enough time has gone by that i seriously thought you would have forgotten me by now. you were, after all, the one who left; not by choice but you were the deserter. i’m not bitter about that, nor have i ever been. you need to understand that we were young, and as much as i hoped for it and meant it, i didn’t actually expect us to be forever. our time was drastically shortened by your departure, and then i knew we were a limited time offer. no, i have not fallen off the earth, but i have been erasing the pages of my history. i’m not saying that i want this to be over, but i’ve gotten very good at burning bridges as i cross them. i’m not saying we can’t start over, but these long distance conversations get me down, and they don’t help me re-know you. i can no longer apologize for how i’ve acted, these years have been one after the other, and i think it’s time we end things for good or declare a ceasefire.
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