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Subject:and there's days you just break the best thing you had.
Time:01:04 am

[i never got to know you as well as i should have, and i apologize wholeheartedly for that. i thought i had you all figured out so i never took the time to know any better. i now understand that i should have tried harder, because people will say anything to destroy you. i know i’m six months and two mistakes too late, but i’d love to love you. i’d love to be the one who stays up every night with you, rather than the one who keeps you up at night. you are a special kind of beautiful i never knew how to describe until now; you are a collision between wrong and right, a cataclysm of too much pain over too little time, and the product of war. you are everything i stand against and it makes me a better person. i apologize for understanding my feelings for you a year too late, and not a broken heart sooner.]

 

everything is the same, but i’ve never felt more different. i understand full well that, in fact, i feel different because nothing is the same, and i couldn’t be anymore unchanged.

 

your absence from my life is draining the marrow from my bones. you are unmoved by it, and it is for that reason that i give you your space. i wonder if you sometimes think of me on a profusely normal day when for a split second you thought you saw me out of the corner of your eye. i still get stomach aches when i see you unexpectedly; my internal GPS. your face, however, is no longer the screensaver of my mind. i know that enough time has gone by to sufficiently change you from the person i loved to the person i’ll forget.

 

i haven’t fallen off the face of the earth, though sometimes i wish i had. at this point, enough time has gone by that i seriously thought you would have forgotten me by now. you were, after all, the one who left; not by choice but you were the deserter. i’m not bitter about that, nor have i ever been. you need to understand that we were young, and as much as i hoped for it and meant it, i didn’t actually expect us to be forever. our time was drastically shortened by your departure, and then i knew we were a limited time offer. no, i have not fallen off the earth, but i have been erasing the pages of my history. i’m not saying that i want this to be over, but i’ve gotten very good at burning bridges as i cross them. i’m not saying we can’t start over, but these long distance conversations get me down, and they don’t help me re-know you. i can no longer apologize for how i’ve acted, these years have been one after the other, and i think it’s time we end things for good or declare a ceasefire.  

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Time:05:47 am
a whole lot of time has gone by
and i realized i don't know you
at all.
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Subject:i shall not love, i hope it covers the ocean in slime.
Time:12:37 am
the season's getting colder, and truthfully it's making me wish i had someone to hold. i won't fret though, life has never been easier. i used to think i'd never find someone, i used to worry that i was unloveable and boring. lately, i've come to the conclusion that i am too young to care. i'm too young to think my life is over. as sad as i am, at the passing of time and the passing of you, i know i will get better. i am getting better everyday. lately, i will admit, i have been feeding a desire to leave this place for good.  i have exhausted every end for being happy here, and understand that i can't ever be. temporary happiness is easy; i'm looking for a more permanent fix. when i see your face, it still makes me happier than i care to let anyone in on. but you aren't what i'm looking for, nor i you. i've realized that the person i am meant to be with (fuck fate, i'm talking tolerability) is someone i haven't met yet. i find that thought ultimately more comforting than anything i have ever known for sure. he isn't here either. he's somewhere better, living a life i can someday join. i hereby promise to quit bitching about the loneliness, because it is temporary, and as much as i want you, i accept that this is over and was a bad idea to begin with. i hereby promise to be selfish when it comes to matters of love, but also promise to be a rocker of worlds.

i
   am
          free/dumb
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Subject:i did everything right. i did everything i thought was right.
Time:06:48 am
i have a spectacular knack for getting myself into unwanted situations. i'm also branded with a special dose of stupid. after all of these years, i'm finally taking the blame for the way i've turned out.
i get it. i really fucking get it.
i don't need to be told about how much i don't care, or about how much i've screwed up. i watched it happen; i was there, i get it. however, i make it a point not to expect the same level of failure from others as i expect from myself. that's how i have the nerve to tell others to have a good time, while my good times have done nothing but complicate things for myself. that's why i tell you to take it easy. i understand that i am not a role model; i am not an overachiever or even an achiever.
i'm a dreamer. i spend more time asleep than i do awake; i manipulate the dreams i have, even in a subconsious state.
i've achieved nothing, and i've gotten nowhere. right about now i should probably be sad; i should probably be very angry at myself, and disappointed, very disappointed. i'm not though. i accepted the equal and opposite reaction to my actions, and i did not expect any better. i understand that everyone else has tried very hard to get where they are, and that i didn't care enough. i needed this. it's weird, it's stupid and it's just irresponsible, but i needed this. i'm not ready for anything else. i'm not ready for the real world, and i need time. i don't even know if i'll ever be ready. helping others prepare themselves, and seeing others off, has only enforced my opinion. it has only convinced me that i'm not ready.




i'm not ready to lose you, but i have no right to keep you. i'm not ready to go back. i know it's not easy being the one who's gone, but it's not easy being the one who stayed. you will do incredibly, and you will change the lives of many. you will steal another heart, and i wish you well. i regret to inform you that i failed to hold up my end of the bargain; i care about you a little too much. i'll be fine though. i will be fine knowing that you are fine. you are a natural born ray of sunshine, and you have given me light.
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Subject:so how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?
Time:04:45 pm
and, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: his indifference. as i ignored him, he ignored me. he never tried to speak to me again. for all i knew, he never thought about me at all... 
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Subject:you can be the reason i'm alive.
Time:04:28 pm
i'm sorry i never responded to your e-mail, and for being so distant, in every sense of the word. i haven't been the greatest friend lately, to you or to anyone else. i've just been so sick and tired of everything, and i know it's not a good enough excuse. i know you need me and i've let you down. i'm  letting everyone down. every time i think i've made progress, i realize that i've neglected more than i've improved. it's become hard work having fun again, and i feel like i need you, too. but you know me better than i know myself, and you know i would never take the help i need. i'm far too selfish to be there for you and i hate myself everyday for it. i think about you a lot, and every single time i remind myself to do something about it; to fix this problem, to fill the hole i've been digging. but every day i dig a little deeper, it's what i'm good at. the trench is taller than me, there is no ladder, and i'm surrounded by nothing. i have my shovel and an uncannily accurate aim that can throw the foundation of our friendship out of the hole, but can't put anything back in to it; no love, no time, no feeling.
maybe i'm digging my grave, metaphorically. someone should just come along and kick everything back in on me; burying me in my effortless attempts to salvage this. trapping me and sending me back to where i belong; with the worms and the dirt, the snakes and the roots.
i don't want our friendship to be over, and this part isn't only for you but for every grave i ever dug; every piece of my heart i left behind, leaving me ripped and broken but careless and free, or so i thought. i want to start over. i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger. but that's impossible. i've fucked up every relationship, and every friendship, causing me a hardship that could destroy my world in an instant.
you're the only one who cares about my prolonged absence. you're the only one who cares enough at all, and i hurt you time and time again because i always counted on your love. i never for a second thought i could mangle our friendship to the point where you wouldn't anymore; where you wouldn't think of me anymore, and where someday you would forget my lame humour, my smeared makeup, my consistently inaccurate prediction of the weather, my unexplained sudden sadness phases, and be happy that you didn't have to deal with any of it anymore. where you would be happy that i may as well have fallen off the face of the earth.
it will be as if i'd never existed.

i can't help but be completely anxious. i'm scared to death that i'm never going to leave this place. that i'm forever going to wander around, occassionnally running in to all the friends i left behind, who didn't have half as much trouble as i did replacing our friendship. who will look at me like i'm broken. it's already started, and the only thing keeping me going is the hope that someday, i can leave. someday i won't have to look them in the eye and see the failure i've become. watching them watch me, and feeling like i may as well be able to hear their thoughts for all the good they do concealing them.
i've tried  to improve, to make amends with them. but i took too long. i put it off far too long. now it would be too pathetic to try to get my friends back. i can't even pretend to be happy when i see them. they don't pretend either. they don't try either. i let them go at the drop of a hat and they gladly accepted my absence; the relief after the pressure.

* * * * * * * * *

i was never sad. i was never mad. i was never dissapointed, or unsatisfied, or bored. i was just stupid. now you've been gone, and i haven't spoken to you in six months, and i fucking hate me. cause i think, and this is truly speculation, that if i had just not acted so hurt, because i really wasn't surprised so there was no reason to be pained, that we could still be friends. that i could have fun, and that absolutely none of this would have happened. no one would look at me like i was broken. i wouldn't have felt the need to lose all of my friends and alienate myself from society, to forget that you wanted to forget me. because it didn't work, and i remember you clearly. perfectly, and i hate it. you didn't make the slightest effort to see me, or talk to me, or to help me cope with losing my best friend on the same day i lost my boyfriend and offered me no explanation for any of it. i don't love you. i don't miss you. and i don't understand this at all. i could explode. you'd never know it would suit the moment perfectly.
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Subject:i try to think of one single good reason why you'd want to take me back this winter season
Time:07:51 pm

...you know what? i can't.

today i realized how terribly plain my life has become. i thought about you all day long today. i went over everything in my head for the millionth time. i pretended for a split second that you'd be interested in talking to me, and went back to reality. i got to thinking about how i got so fucking boring all of the sudden. i figured it out; that i'm not ready to start over. i'm not ready to have to learn everything about someone again, or to have to teach someone everything about me again. i want to be at the three month stage already. i just want someone who knows exactly what i want, what i mean and what i'm thinking. i think this is why you've been on my mind so much lately. i've just been so sick of hearing my own voice, i need someone to tell me it's okay to sit quietly, "be comfortable". you made me shameless, while giving me the ability to be happy. i don't care if it's over. i know this won't mean a thing, and that wasn't the intention. i just hope you know that you were the best thing that could have ever happened to me at that moment in my life, and no matter who you become, or what happens of us (cause let's face it, we're not friends), i will always believe you are the reason i'm getting better. so thanks.



bless your heart you've made me happy again!

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Subject:if anyone could make me a better person, you could.
Time:07:02 pm

my life's been better without you. i smile more. i care less about the things that don't matter, and care more about the things that do. i sleep through the night, and do everything i'm told. i'm a suckup, i'm a brat, i'm everyone i ever hated up until last month. i'm becoming who i'm supposed to be. without you here, i'm a better person. i've learned not to be quiet when something is pissing me off. i even told off a stranger. i don't need you or anybody else. i realized i've been severing  all of my ties. like that party i skipped to get drunk with a couple friends. like that other party i skipped to play tetris. or the calls i missed to clean my room. all the instant messages i avoided to watch television. all the text messages i didn't answer cause i couldn't think of a good enough excuse to get out of an offering. i'm considering leaving toronto for good. i think i need a new situation, or environment. this place is old, and too familiar. i need a makeover on my life.

 

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Subject:please, go to sleep and nevermind the love.
Time:05:42 pm
i have a strong belief that break ups should be permanent. i'm sick of being hung-up on ex-flings. i would very much like to remain your friend, and if it's not too much to ask, let's never try this again.

for months now i've been jumping from relationship to relationship, without giving myself time to grieve. they've been overlapping; starting before another ends. i'd like to spend some time single, and focus on other things. i've been thinking of you constantly, but not like i did before. i've been thinking i'd like to be a friend of yours, and i would like to see you again in a social context appropriate for our status. i'm sorry if i seemed to take it badly when you first told me; you happened to bring it up on the worst day of my life. i don't think one day has ever been as bad for me, and i'd like for you to know that i knew you would do it all along. i'm happy with the way things ended, and i wouldn't change a thing. i even think our last kiss was perfectly appropriate, and for the first time in ages i've been granted closure. when i woke up that morning, something was off. my heart felt heavy, and i wore your shirt to think of you. i didn't call you because i knew you wouldn't care, and i let you pick the time and place.
from the moment this started, i knew it would end. i might not seem like the type to say this, but it's just high school. it's only love. it's the way shit goes down. we had a good run. i have a very clear memory of a conversation we had a year ago (_to the day_), where i told you i knew our story wasn't over. i think i know now, that it is over. i don't know if i'll get used to this feeling. it's not of losing you, but of losing everything. i don't think anyone around liked me all that much, and i don't expect to get to see any of them anymore. i suspect you were the key to me being invited to anything, and of people tolerating me. i guess i'll take this time to change my ways and become someone new; someone bigger. someone who can be accepted for who they are, and not what they can become. my bare essentials.

all this to say, the feeling is mutual, i would love to be your friend. i hope we can do this without any awkward looks or remarks. i hope you find someone you're compatible with, though i can't promise to always seem like i'm happy for you. i want you to know that i love you, but i think we should stay apart; for good.

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Time:07:01 pm

i'm the opposite of midas, everything i touch turns to shit. i have yet to meet anyone who could change me significantly. i have a knack for ruining people's futures, it's nothing i'm proud of. anyone who loves me will end up hating themselves. i've been thinking of getting a tattoo; of what has been my problem. i'm now considering the red circle with a diagonal line down the center, you know the one. no smoking. no eating. no shirt, no service.

it signifies this:

i'm sorry to everyone i ever hurt, and everyone i made hurt themselves. i'm sorry i'm really good at getting you in to trouble, but not out of it. for the most part, you're better off without me. i want you to know that you've changed my life. at this point, the change is psychological and brought on by the fact that i'm a menace to society. thanks to your failures, i realize i am one too. you've rised above the mistakes i forced you to make, and i'm proud of all of you. i wish one of you could have had the reverse effect on me, and changed me in ways i can only dream of. i guess i'll never know what it's like to be normal, or to feel like one of you. you all move forward while i sit waiting for the next victim. i'm the door to another world, people pass through me but only to get to where they really wanted to be. 

to my most recent endeavor, i'm sorry it had to end like this. i'm not really mad. even though you've hurt me more than everyone combined. i think your absence will be the significant change in my life. i wish you didn't have to leave for me to realize how much i've screwed up my life and everyone elses, but i'll get over it with time. i want you to know that it's not that you're leaving that i'm so sad. it's that you didn't have the decency to tell me. to this day you still haven't told me. i've read it all the over the internet; your boastings and your doubts. i've overheard you talking about it, and i've had conversations with you about it. but even then, not once did you come out and say it. you simply assumed i already knew and treated me like i'd known all along. like i'd known you were planning on leaving me. like i knew our time was limited. i want you to know i'm happy for you, even though i will never be okay with this. i want you to have fun while you're gone, but don't expect me to be here when you get back. don't expect me to want to be your best friend, because i haven't been for a while. don't expect us to pick up where we left off. i don't want you to write me. and if i never hear from you again, it'll be a shame, but i'll be okay. you'll be a better person without me, and you know it. though i should be angry with you, i'm not. even though i know you called me a drunk, and you think i'm nothing but trouble, i still love you. even though you're a liar, and you pretend to be happy when you're not, i still love you. i'm not really sure why, but you hold a special place in my heart, and i don't think anyone will ever take it, or replace you. you're the best friend i've ever had and i've been lost without you. i'm going to miss you more than i can bear and even thinking about you makes me cry these days. this pain is going to kill me, or make me stronger; i haven't decided what i'm going to let happen yet. you say you don't regret anything, but i still do. i wish i'd never been your friend, so i'd never have to lose you. cause thinking about it now, i don't like where i am. i'm not happy with the way things are. i'm not happy at all, and i haven't been in a while. i blame you. i blame you for being such a good friend (or a very good actress), that i don't know how i'm going to move on. i think what hurts most, is that after everything, i'm not the one you're going to miss. that you're going to miss them more than anything. and you're going to miss the good times you had with them, but not with me. that to you, everything that's happened is insignificant. that i don't matter. when you get back, maybe i'll feel differently, and i'll have forgiven you for the pain you're causing me. right now, it hurts too much, and it's not cool.
we can't be friends.

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[icon] shiri-masen
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