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Subject:no one cares about what's inside. you must stick to the brightside. even if you're feeling down.
Time:08:48 pm
days like today make me want to give up; make me want to pull the plug. days like today make every other day seem good. i guess that's why we have bad days, so that the good ones seem that much better. but on days like today, the bad sorely outweighs the good, and it doesn't matter that i've had it better, all the matters is that right now, at this exact moment in time, i want to be hit by a meteor 3 inches in diametre straight through the heart, and that would be the only thing to make me day, no, my life, not suck so fucking bad.








i wanna rewrite the endings, make the stories less painful; i want to walk away.
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Subject:in the final chapter of my life, i hope to discover that yours went horribly (pt.2)
Time:01:51 am
i will hate you for the rest of my life for ever having come into contact with mine.
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Time:08:29 pm
it's you
it's that shit stuck under my shoe
it's that smell inside the van
it's my bedsheet covered with sand
sitting through a shitty band
getting dog shit on my hand
getting hassled by the man
waking up to an alarm
sticking needles in your arm
picking up trash on the freeway
feeling depressed every day
leaving without making a sound
picking my dog up at the pound
living in a tweeker pad
getting yelled at by my dad
saying i'm happy when i'm not
finding roaches in the pot

all these things i do,
they're waiting for you.
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Subject:and sometimes there's a third even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one
Time:03:37 am
like with pie.








I’ve spent so long on this planet, I’ve finally learned my most important lesson of all; that it is better to have loved Dick and lost Dick, than to never have had Dick at all.
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Subject:for all of my insecurities, how did i ever let you go?
Time:08:47 pm
I am a little bit of everything, but nothing in particular. No remarkable skills remain hidden behind my skin, no overpowering beauty or awe-inspiring wisdom. I am an amalgamation of the sediment that floats through our mainstreams, but I will never be a boulder. I will never be many things, most of which are things I hope to become. I will always be who I was yesterday, and who I was today. I will always be invisible enough to get by; the one thing I have going in my favour. I may stick out more than many, but I have a way of blending in with the cracks when you look at the big picture.

My only talent can be summed up quite simply: I have the talent to recognize talent. I am surrounded by it, everywhere I go. I was born into a family of brilliant children, of which I am the most average. I was born into a family of artists and singers and musicians, of which I am the most average. I was born into a family that each could be considered a different body part, all belonging to the same body, of which I am the appendix. I serve no immediate function. Perhaps millions of years ago I would have made a great addition to the dietary needs of my friends and family, but today I am the thing that could explode and kill you suddenly without warning. People have me surgically removed. People should have me metaphorically removed, to avoid complications that could insue later in life. I will leave a small scar, and scars may always be there, but that doesn't mean the wound hasn't healed.
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Subject:you don't have to go home but you can't stay here
Time:11:51 pm
are you ever coming back?
i have changed and i've realized
i was wrong, i was wrong,
and now i'll never see your face anymore.
oh my love,
i'd give anything for one more day with you.
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Time:12:41 am
ted, i’m going to be honest, i was full of it with that whole nostradamus thing. but i’m starting to think there is some serious planetary crap going on here tonight.



i’m sure that the world will continue to revolve around the sun, though not forever. the inevitability of the failure of the cosmos to hold us indefinitely is weighing on my head. the end may not even come in my lifetime, or the lifetime of anyone i may inadvertently affect hereafter, but there is an end. i daydream that i will reach the end, and watch it all go down. i’ll be there when our star goes out and i’ll be there when the space between a big bang and a big crunch ceases to exist. i’m not sure of me, but i’m sure it will happen whether i’m there or not.
i’m sure there is life out there, somewhere. statistically it’s undeniable, but every now and then a moron thinks it’s impossible. however, i don’t fear an alien attack. i believe that if another species came across earth in their endeavors they would be a civilized society. they would have to be, to simply possess the power to get here at all. assuming their society is civil, there would have to be a taught moral code that keeps people from killing each other, keeping us safe from alien attacks praying on the hope that they’re an empathic species.
i’m sure that there are parallel universes, with locations that allow them to bleed into each other. there’s a fair amount of talk that black holes are these locations, potentially opening wormholes to other universes and similar galaxies. if that’s true, where is the opening into our universe? it’d have to exist. in every other universe things would be pouring in to compensate for the things flowing out of the neighbor universe, creating a visible location that matter spews itself from. and what if the opening to our universe collided with the exit? is that what a big bang is?
i am sure that everything worth doing has already been done, with the exception of starting over.
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Subject:coocoo for cocopuffs
Time:04:32 pm
some days i can hardly move
much less move away.
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Subject:if by "like the loch ness monster" you mean totally exists and is awesome.
Time:11:45 pm
i will not be the one who gets left behind. i will be the one who leaves. i haven't felt right in months; i fear i've been dreading my future so much i've internalized it. i've tried not to bring it up, to keep it inside, resulting in the permanent stomach ache that used to suggest i had an anxiety problem; now it just suggests that i need to get my act together before my spleen explodes.
i'm going to take my time figuring out my life. i'm not going to rush into anything ever again; i will be delicate, totally breakable, and regretless. i only live once, and i won't spend it thinking about dying.







(all i want for you to be is happy or something... i guess anything is better than the time you spent hoping i'd get it sorted out.)
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Subject:space is not just a place for stars.
Time:08:54 pm

i don’t remember the colour of your eyes or the sound of your voice; i’ve been better for it. i’ve learned to control myself, and i haven’t cried over you yet; not that i haven’t in the past enough to justify never crying again over anything. if you were still around, i think you’d be proud of how well i’ve kept things together on the outside while they fell apart on the inside.
however, i am very angry with you. i’m angry that you aren’t even around for me to be angry with; that you haven’t spoken to me in months. i’m one bad day away from giving in to calling you. mostly i just thought i meant a little more to you than this.
i’m in a rut. for months, four months, i have been running in circles through my mind, jumping through imaginary hoops impressing no one. i’d even settle for a drug problem if it’d get me out of this house once in a while. i haven’t been reading books, or seeing new movies, or learning any new skills. my most recent accomplishment has been staying out of trouble.
someone save me from myself.

after this day it's this week all over again.

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